the book of jon

A Symbol of Light, Adaptability, Grace and Transformation

2011-11-08T18:43:00.000-08:00

I've kept these two very precious birthday wishes for months now, as I planned to write a post accompanying them when it finally go on print. I chanced upon "The Kelly Heinz-Grundner Brain Tumor Foundation" which took the dragonfly as their logo. As I read this post, I cannot help but to see that as much as the symbol held true for Kelly, it was also for the others who have braved their journey home. So here it is :

"This ability to reflect and refract light is responsible for the dragonfly's status as a "light-bearer," as well as a symbol of all the power and presence that is associated with light and love. Dragonflies remind us that we, too, are "light-bearers" and silently encourage us to let our own light shine forth. In addition, dragonflies exhibit the many colors of life. With maturity, the dragonfly's own true colors come forth, as it learns to bend, shift and adapt light in a variety of ways. These bright colors take time to develop, but are always worth the wait because they ultimately reveal the insect's deepest inner beauty. The dragonfly demonstrates the utmost adaptability and grace as well. No bird or other insect has the flight maneuverability of the dragonfly, which can quickly change directions when necessary. They are experts at going where they need to be and doing what they need to do. Traditionally, the dragonfly is the symbol of transformation and life's ever-constant process of change. Although the dragonfly spends the majority of its life on the bottom of a pond as a larva, it always rises above that. The dragonfly works its way through the weight of water and into the sunlight, gathering and garnering what it needs to change and unfold. When it is ready, it sheds its protective casing and flies away from the pond, to ultimately unite with other dragonflies, which have also completed their transformation and are even more vibrant and alive.

We have chosen the dragonfly as the logo for the Foundation because its beauty and symbolism remind us so vividly of Kelly. Like the dragonfly, Kelly was not only beautiful, but she actually sparkled. This sparkle came from the light that was the essence of who she truly was. Kelly exuded this light and love even in the darkest moments of her illness and in doing so was a beacon of hope and inspiration to us all. What's more, when Kelly became ill, she was able to adapt, with the speed, maneuverability and grace of the dragonfly, and to accept the path that life gave her even though it was not at all the life she planned. Kelly also transformed and matured through her illness, and as she did, her truest colors came through even more vibrantly. Finally, in her dying, Kelly helped us to see through the illusion of death. Just as the dragonfly doesn't die when it leaves the world of the pond as a larva and water bug and transforms into a dragonfly, we trust that Kelly has gone through a transformation of her own and lives on, as well. Although she has gone away for a while, she will reunite with us when we, too, have transformed and become the light that we truly are.

Note: The content on this page was created using excerpts from various dragonfly-related websites and books."

Thank you Sean and Tim Orr for the lovely wishes!

5 Years on...

2011-08-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

Just two weeks ago, we celebrated what would have been Jon's 21st at home with family and close friends. Jon's maternal grandma, Popo cooked up a storm comprising most, if not all of his favourite foods.
The usual family suspects faithfully showed up but making special appearances were two very special 'brothers' of mine, my bro-in-law Mike and his wife Alice and my own brother Johnny with his wife Karen. Also present were my closest of colleagues, friends and partners; Janet, Vincent, Shahnaz & Grace.

My address to the party was short and simple;
Jon's relationship with us as a family and with each of us as family members is a private one and has been over the 4 years where we celebrated his birthday for him without him physically present. This time however, we decided to share the occassion with all because we believe the journey is complete and it is time to live and acknowledge all the special people in our lives who have stood with us with pure unconditional love throughout our period of challenges, coping and grief. To every single one of you who stood with us, we can never ever repay the support and kindness you have given us throughout the entire journey with Jon.

To all of you, we say thank you and we love you.

Today we celebrate Jon's fifth year of leaving us, Mum calls it 5th Continuum.
The event is a memorial to mark the day in remembrance of Jon by releasing birds and white doves signifying the freedom that follows death. In my address to the family this morning;

I look forward to such events only because it is another event to not forget Jon. This ceremony is also for me to take stock of my life in relation to the life he lived and lost and see what have I achieved that will be a legacy to leave behind.

Today, I once again attributed my zest for life, my spirit of adventure and my tireless pursuit of my dreams to my children Jon, Zane and Summer. For inspiring me to live my life to the fullest and pushing me to be the best that I can be in every moment of now.

Today we celebrate Jon's freedom with new beginnings for all of us in The Gan family and for all those we hold close and dear.

Remembering Jon

2011-07-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

“If you want guarantees in life, then you don't want life.

You want rehearsals for a script that's already been written.

Life by its nature cannot have guarantees, or its whole purpose is thwarted.”

Neale Donald Walsch

We remember Jon today as he turns 21, and celebrate his 5th Continuum.

As you light this candle, let its color remind you of an innocent love in its purest form.

Let its light shine in memory of a sportsman, a scholar and a gentleman.

And a son who lived his life to the fullest without knowing what tomorrow would bring.

Jonathan Byron Gan 26 July 1990 – 9 August 2006

Write to us if you want a pink candle from Jon.

2010-12-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Jon,

Merry Christmas!

Mom

A Scholar, A Sportsman & A Gentleman

2010-08-09T00:18:00.000-07:00

Events over the past few weeks seem to have been directed to the school that Jon attended and so loved. VI. In particular the Boys Scouts movement where Jon was Patrol leader.
The run-up to the Boys Scouts Centenary Celebrations and the celebrations itself at The Park Royal Hotel which mum attended, (minus Peter who was away on business), started refreshing thoughts on VI. Memories came flooding back to me about the scouts' den and the times when we sent Jon for scout gatherings, meetings, or campfire rehearsals at the den that eventually burned down. Part of the centenary celebrations was also to raise funds for a new scouts den.
What was nice to hear from the Centenary campfire at the hotel, the scouts still remember Jon and his name is held in high regard. His juniors in 1st KL still remember him. I am bewildered...
Then on Saturday night at Godma Ann's birthday party, we met a lovely couple sitting at the table next to us the man went to school at VI. He eventually went on to complete his MBA at Oxford. He and his wife were lovely company all night. He is after all, a scholar, a sportsman and a gentleman.
And just last night I stayed up to watch the late movie on Astro about cops and robbers, the usual good guy overcome bad guy story starring Mel Gibson & Danny Glover. At the end where good triumphs over evil, the soundtrack of Eric Clapton's 'Knocking on heaven's door' came on. Memories of Jon singing that song at his last Boys Scouts campfire in VI came flooding back. I recalled this scrawny young boy in black T-shirt and dark blue jeans singing his heart out to the lyrics of ....knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door...yeah, yeah, yeah....knock, knock, knocking on heavens door....accompanied by his 'rock' band fashioned after Guns & Roses.
That's more than four years on and heaven is where you are Son.
Your memory is kept alive and we miss you. You will always be to us, a scholar, a sportsman and a gentleman. And I love you.

3 years later...

2009-08-24T00:57:00.001-07:00

On a beautiful August 9th Sunday morning, we released 16 diamond + 3 white doves to commemorate Jon's 3rd. Now that we are living in an area which is surrounded by greens, the birds just flew away, unlike previous years. However, in the last week, one of the whites has been making appearances around the garden and I felt that there was a difference. Unlike previous years where one or two white doves used to hang around for days, seemed lost against the city skyline, this one seemed unperturbed by me and even Eleanor, Jon's pet golden retriever. It seems like this little fella just want to chill and hang out in the lush surroundings.

Well, there are other differences as well.

Today for the first time in 3 years, I feel I've truly found peace and my heart just filled with happiness when the birds were released. It is not that I am no longer sad but somehow I've managed to hold this sadness within my space of happiness. And to me, this is a breakthrough and it makes me feel totally liberated. I thank God for this blessings and Jon's 3rd is truly a celebration for me.

This is my truth. That when one expires from the physical body, one just simply change form - from matter to spirit. From earthly realm to the spiritual. And we are on the same plane, just change of being, change of mindset. More than ever before, and this has not changed, is I feel my son's presence and know that he is always in our midst - guiding, nudging, prodding, caring and loving. And having conversations with me.

From this day on, I shall name August 9th day as Jon's Continuum Day.

I would like to thank Neale for giving us 'Home with God' and 'Happier than God' tools which has greatly helped in my journey, not forgetting the CWG collection.

Finally, I have also decided to discontinue with our website and keep this blog to keep the channels open to reach out to other mums. And Ling is in the midst of setting up FaceBook as well.

For all the mums like me, may you one day find peace in the knowing that our children have not left us but are in our midst, beside us. Always.

God bless.

Jon's 3rd Memorial

2009-08-09T02:07:00.000-07:00

It's been three years since Jon left for the great gig in the sky. And still I say, not one day passes by that we don't feel him or think about him or see things that remind us of him. I say that in my 2009 Memorial speech, because as a human being in this world, I want to be remembered and I want for my loved ones not to forget me, as such I strive to do in my lifetime, things that people (let alone my loved ones) will remember me by. Being forgotten means being insignificant, being unloved, unwanted. For now, as a living being I shall hold on to that belief and keep remembering my son. It is not difficult to remember Jon, in fact it's impossible to forget as he is woven into all of us, his family. I see him sometimes as I gaze at Zane or Summer, I see him everytime I see a Boy Scout, a footballer, a scholar, a gentleman, a young man of 19 setting out to start his journey in this world, anyone in a wheelchair, a cane, a cancer patient or simply any brave person.

How can I forget you Jon?

P/s Thank you Chyen for being with us.

2 years on...

2008-08-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

Today marks two years since Jon passed on and we celebrate and mark the day by liberating birds- 16 turtle doves, 1 white dove and 1 white pigeon, to signify freedom for all of us.
Most of all Jon, who is fully liberated having served his purpose here.
It was an auspicious day for all as we celebrated Mum's and Wai Mun's birthdays at the poolside of Lake Club with a barbeque dinner with the entire Liew family, Paul Gan family and Gan family . Special guest sent from the universe was Daryll Morton, who happened to be in town on an assignment. What a bonus that was. Jon and Daryll did share mutual admiration.
Mum gave a short speech while Uncle Mike said a prayer for the special night.
As I drove home after sending Daryll back to his hotel, Jon spoke to me through the radio that night, just like he did while I was driving from Toowomba to Muggle Ferry Road enroute to the Morton's house in Brisbane about two years ago. And what's sweet songs they were. Songs that you and I would appreciate. It was magical... Jon.

Jon's 18th

2008-07-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered, like every parent I suppose, how tall would he be and how big his dreams would be as he turned eighteen and I shall keep wondering for as long as I like.

Ever since he was a very young boy, Jon had that faraway look in his eyes and in his mind something was constantly brewing. He always had a task to attend to,a book to finish reading, a theory to test, a question to query, he had a certain purpose in his stride until one fateful day that stride turned into 'a spastic gait'. As it slowly paralysed his left side, Jon maintained his composure. He used his walking stick with equal dexterity and he walked proud and brave. And he kept on walking to fulfill his purpose in this life. And that is how we shall always remember our son.

Last Saturday night, we celebrated his 18th birthday with family and friends at home. It was a special feeling sharing a meal and spending time with our closest and dearest who walked the journey with Jon and us. It's even hard to imagine almost 2 years have gone by and it is the same in me as with Agnes, not a day passes by when we do not think of or feel Jon in our hearts and lives. Sometimes tears fill our eyes but most times, it puts smiles on our lips. And I think Jon was smiling, even grinning his trademark grin that night when he turned 18.

Gifts from God's Gift

2008-07-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

This short story of Jon was to be published tomorrow in the Malay Mail column 'Obituraries'. The following was sent but came back altered. I decided not to go ahead with the revised version because the contents were altered as this would mean altering his memory.

Two years ago, 100 chairs were added for each of the three days and two nights of a young man’s wake. People from all ages, races and sizes turned up. Some strangers came out of curiosity because they had heard so much of this young man. When you count the number of sign-ins, the two eulogy books and the wreaths received, the total number of people there hundreds, thousand. But it still doesn’t include the busloads of students – transport provided by Victoria Institute (VI) – or those who came on their own, plus the teachers and parents, all spilling inside and outside the residence. They sang the school song in two languages, including a version with the young man’s name penned in. Prefects and members of the school Fan Club danced the Moari Haka dance to welcome a hero home. That day was also Awards day, dedicated to this young man. But parents were receiving best student and academic awards on behalf of their sons who had chosen to be at the crematorium instead where they performed another Haka. The boys all danced like they had never danced before; with so much gusto, so much passion, so much love. Their hearts were so full that each cried as they shouted, as they thumped their feet on the floor, as they beat their chests. A scene so hard to forget.

What did this young man do to have touched so many lives?

Jonathan Byron Gan, aged 16 years and a bit, lived life to the fullest. He maxed out everything that came his way. He was soft spoken yet opinionated. Gentle but grounded in what he believed. Honest and charming, to a fault. He was proud and could be stubborn. He reads, he writes. Talks a lot on the phone. Loves food and takes a long time to eat, even longer time to dress up. A scholar, a sportsman and a gentleman. A good son who often does what he is told, not what he wants to do.

He finished his primary education at Kuen Cheng Chinese school even though his mother tongue was English. He was a member of the school band and switched from drums to trumpet. He took part in all the athletics events, including tennis, just to help make up a full school team. He played football and was selected to train in the Under 12 league at Old Trafford, home of Manchester United, meeting all the stars including David Beckham and other boys from all over the world. Later, he could talk non-stop on any sports event even if he did not play them. He was also school Prefect.

With these credentials and his As from UPSR, he was admitted to VI, which would become his second favorite place on earth after home. His third was the 1st KL Scouts den, fourth the football field and his fifth, any place with his friends.

He reads a lot, from J. K. Rowling to Jeffrey Archer; from Roald Dahl, Anne Rice, Dan Brown to Mitch Albom, James Patterson, Paulo Coelho, and Nicholas Sparks. He loved Queen, Guns ‘N Roses, Aerosmith, Elvis, Beatles, Maroon 5, Simple Plan, U2, Linkin’ Park, ColdPlay…He plays the electric guitar. Loves to sing even if he can’t … really… He crooned ‘Fly me to the moon’ to his sweethearts over the phone.

He was Patrol Leader with First KL scouts troupe, and according to the boys, he was the one “who made things happen”. Because of his absence from school during his chemotherapy, some scouts resigned as they said, “there’s no more reason to hang around”.

He was a normal kid doing the most ordinary things. Yet these same things made him extraordinary because in sum, he left us a treasure trove of gifts.

Of being compassionate and forgiving. For all the days that he did not visit his Grandma after school, he would call to find out how she is. Because she lives alone and is lonely, he said. He would call all his cousins to remind them of her birthday. He forgave all his friends for not turning up if and when they had promised to visit and made all kinds of excuses for them, even when he was at his lowest.

Of being present. He insisted on being treated normal during his PMR exams. He wanted to do the exam with his classmates, in the same room, not in the comfort of a special room. They agreed. He wanted to walk with his walking stick, not be in a wheel-chair. One day the school called to say that he was lying on the floor to nurse a severe headache. He continued PMR right till the last day when he had to be rushed to hospital to get a scan and start radiotherapy. As he lay in bed that evening, he shared about how happy he was to be with his friends for the exam.

It was business as usual for Jon when Form 4 started which was also the start of his chemotherapy. He insisted on getting a new Patrol Leader uniform set and a full set of Form 4 books. He got mum to pick up assignments and to arrange for Additional Maths tuition. He insisted on writing out his assignments even when mum offered to take dictation and have them typed out. I write, I remember, he said. He even studied French through audio tapes and books. He wanted no time wasted.

Of being a courageous leader. Even when his whole left side was paralyzed, he took charge of all the meetings with his team of surgeon and oncologists. He asked the questions like what type of cancer he had, at what stage, what is the treatment, the side effects, the diet and how long he would live.

Of being responsibly honest. He always gave honest feedback, but gently.

Of letting go. He fell into a coma but came out of it and spoke with his mum.
“Please forgive me, mum”.
“Please forgive me too, Jon”.
“There’s nothing to forgive, mum”.
After a brief silence and in a composed voice, he said, “I want you to learn to sing Amazing Grace”.

Of saying goodbye. We found scribbles of notes he left behind. Some we read and some we did not because they were not meant to be read when he was around.

Of finding God. He was baptized when he was 10. Five years later, at the onset of his illness, he said he did not know if God exists as he could not understand ‘why me’. A year later, just a week before he passed on, mum asked if he could see Jesus. He didn’t blink which meant ‘No’. But he saw other close relatives who had passed on. Then mum asked about God and if He was with him. Jon pointed to his heart.

When I was in my 20’s and still unattached, I declared I wanted to have a child by 30. It would be a boy and he would be called Jonathan, after my father, John. I loved the sound of the name but I didn’t know what it meant.

Months after Jon passed on, my husband asked me to check out a site that required dates and times of birth and death details to calculate probable date of conception. He warned me that I might be a little surprised by the result.

Born on: 26th July, 1990.
Passed on: 9th August, 2006.
Probably conceived: 2nd November
Mum’s birthday: 1st November…
Jonathan means God’s Gift.

Although there is not one day that I don’t think about my son and it is not and has not been easy, I would say that I’d rather be loved for 16 years and a bit by Jon, than not to have loved at all.

And I thank God that I have my husband, Peter, and my children Zane and Summer to have shared a meaningful life with Jon too.

Rememberance

2008-07-22T02:17:00.000-07:00

There is a time for beginnings, and for endings, and for things that are neverending. Two years ago, a story began, somewhat like a Quentin Tarantino movie, with an ending of sorts. A story of how a brave young man, a mere 16-odd years of age, triumphed over the sort of pain, hardship and tribulation that no teenager ought to experience, and no parent should ever see their children endure. Death for this much beloved individual, it seems, closes one door but opens a thousand others. It's like the beginning of a legend, a rich vibrant life extinguished so long before its prime, yet inspiring multitudes to their own betterment. Think James Dean. River Phoenix. Jeff Buckley. Comparisons likely to raise the ire of the detached, yet, if one were to be a 16 year old watching a respected, treasured peer crushed by the ravages of terminal illness but lacking none of the vibrancy, energy and vigour of youth, they would seem appropriate, even natural. Here is a boy, a man, literally knocking on heaven's door, with a passion for life that burns so fiercely as to, mind my impropriety, put the flames of hell to shame. Who, even two years after journeying beyond the physical, still brings out the best in those whose lives he touched, however brief, however passing.

To this I say, let the end begin. Because if in knowing one's demise is at hand moves us to live better, laugh louder and love harder, why, hand me the bucket, clean up the farm and let the good times (and the credits) roll.

Dedicated to Jon. Gone (is he really?) but never forgotten.

Two years..almost

2008-07-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Shouts of a battle-cry ring loud and thunderous. Tight fists thumping on chests. Steps precise and sure. A warrior dance. A dance performed by Maoris to welcomes a hero home after an embittered battle.

The dance is so clear in my mind, its shouts still resonates but what is most beautiful about this performance by 20+ V.I. boys at the crematorium was that they danced with so much passion, so much love that they were each crying. Crying as they danced, as they shouted.

A boy who loves his friends. And friends who loved him back.

There are things in life, you cannot forget. This is certainly one of them. This dance.

Jon's birthday 26 July. Memorial 9 August.

Of Friendships

2008-02-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

"Excuse me mam, are you Jon's mum?"

This young shop assistant asked when I was at FOS, Bangsar Village. When I said I was, he introduced himself as Lam who was Jon's classmate in Form 1. He said Jon was 'famous' from the first day as everyone heard and was curious to know who this boy was who went to Old Trafford for football training, who met the stars of the famous MU team. That my son was 'unique' as he knew everybody in school from the juniors to the seniors, and that he was fun to be with. "I cannot forget him, auntie. He was unique."

Later Lam apologized for being carried away with talks about Jon thinking that I might not want to talk about something so painful. I assured him that it was really okay and that talking about Jon would not be painful in any was. "Having Jon, loosing Jon is part of me. My total package." I said. We parted with me giving him my number and a promise to meet sometime soon for lunch before he starts college next month.

(Lum, promised to pass me Richard's, another of Jon's friend, email address.)

As I left, I felt really good and was touched by this young man's eagerness to share of his friendship with Jon. This chance meeting jolted my memory of Jon's other friends. Sweet, sweeet friends.

Last August, I was invited by Jon's friends to attend the First KL Scouts Campfire. I know that it would be my last visit to Jon's old school. There are some things I still cannot do, and going back to his school is one of them. I guess Jon's friends (Danial, KA, Mubin and Zao, not sure who else) sort of understood this in a way which is unspoken as they consistently sent me reminders of the event. I was moved and I know that I just have to be there.

As much as it would be my last visit, it would also be the last campfire for Jon and his friends. Being seniors they also get to be in the final act, which is also the highlight for the evening. This is one act, I know that Jon and his friends look forward to and dying to do, for the longest time.

I just have to be there.

When the day came, several more reminders were received. Mubin's mum, Liza even called to offer to pick me up (and later confided that she was asked to do it to make sure I be there) but I declined deciding that it will be better if I do this alone.

To say that the drive there was not easy is an understatement but I managed and settle to sit with Liza and Teach. The program format for the evening was left in tact with the only difference being the fire. For the first time, they were allowed a real one burning with logs and all. It was a big, real and hot!

The evening unfolded with skits, songs, marching, shouts, introductions, speeches, etc leading to the final act. Danial, Mubin, KA, Zao and the rest scaled walls with their bare hands and feet, and ropes. They ran. They jumped. They fell. They gave their all. And they did it with passion and confidence. They were exacting as if they knew exactly which brick they would hold, which spot they would fall on. They were good, if not the best I've seen.

As much as I enjoyed it, the experience also filled me. I felt that Jon was among them. I felt him there. I felt him proud.

It was too much for me. I couldn't stay any more. I left, tearfully

The other 'meeting' was a sweet one when Danial, KA, Mubin, Zao and Haiqal came to have dinner with us on December 28th. Unlike the other gathering this one was initiated by the boys. The evening was wonderful. We had olio which was grandly prepared by Mubin, and I did lasagne, salad and garlic bread. We ate, we talked. We laughed. Dreams were shared of what the future might be, and it ranged from business studies, finance, aerospace, cullinary to being an airline pilot. And I shared the plan to go back to work. Each of them has grown into such fine, handsome young gentlemen. Confident and strong.

Surprisingly there were no moments of awkwardness. The evening just went on smoothly and soon enough, like all good times, it came to an end at midnight. Although I must say both sides worked at making it such sweet evening. It's hard to explain why eventhough Jon's physical absence was obvious. I guess he was there after all as I felt like it was one of those rides that I gave him and his friends from school. It felt natural.Warm. Friendship.

The Gans were touched. Touched by their simple gesture of remembering us even when Jon is not with us. Touched by their friendship, and knowing just how much Jon must have meant for them.

Who knows what the future holds. We meet today, we may not meet again tomorrow. To me what matters is not what tomorrow brings but what we could do today.

As I get on with my life, I know I will be continue to bump into Jon's friends, somehow, and conversations, no matter how short or long, will flow.

Even as Jon is not with me now here, I know that each time I meet his friends, each time I know I will see Jon, living through them.

Thank you guys. Thank you for the memories. We will be in touch, one way or the other.

Have a great year and many more to come. Live, enjoy!

Best Ever Christmas gift!

2007-12-26T02:01:00.000-08:00

I had wanted to edit my earlier post of the shooting star to revise it to say that the sighting, or if you like, the gift sighting of the giant shooting star. I needed to say, to express that the sighting indeed was my best Christmas gift. Ever!

Some people say that those whom we love who have left us can help us better where they are then when they were with us. They can do more even when we don't see them, even when we can't touch them. It's true, unconditional love need not even a physical presence. And it is also true that love is like the wind, you can't see it, but you can feel it.

In my case I saw a shooting start. Not only was it big and its image, now entrenched in my mind and heart, I also felt it's giant presence when it happened.

Thank you Jon for the best gift ever!
Merry Christmas Jon!

I love you.

A Giant Shooting Star Over Sri Hartamas.

2007-12-22T08:28:00.001-08:00

I still find it hard to believe what I saw. I saw a most beautiful shooting star. One which I never saw before even though I have seen like 2 or 3 in my entire 48 years of my life. And these were the 'normal' ones when they shoot right above you under a starry black night sky.

We were on the LDP driving to The Curve to continue our office Christmas Party at the Red Box. The view was spectacular with lights coming from the many rooms of high rise condos and houses, silhouettes of podium office blocks plus street lights against a backdrop of dark, dark sky.

And then I saw it! It was indescribable! This one was a big fat one. Fire-y orange-yellow with an obvious red head shooting from right to left. It lasted for a split second! But I saw it with the details of the colours. It was definintely as Star! Shooting right across and above the buildings against the night sky. I mean right above! Not like the usual high up in the sky. This one felt so near, so close-up. Even as I am writing this, I find the whole experience incredulous. Simply awesome. Totally. All I could say to my husband was "Did you see it?" (Yeah how could he when he was driving).

I know deep down that it was meant for me and me alone coz just minutes ago, I mean maybe less than 2 when I was said this to Jon, "Son, it's been a long time since I last wanted proof that you are with me. I no longer need it coz I just know you are."

And then I saw it! I cannot share this beautiful star coz I did not, and could not take pictures of it. It was private viewing.

When I shared this with Summer, she asked if I made a wish. I said no coz all I could think of what was it real, and saying out loud to myself, 'Thank you Jon. I love it! I love you'.

No, you don't need to believe me coz it is not important if you do or not. I am still reeling in my experience of the shooting star.

Jon is great. God is great too!

Christmas is here again..

2007-12-20T08:24:00.000-08:00

It's hard not to think about Jon during Christmas. It's his favourite time of the year, what with presents to buy, the christmas tree to be put up and the design of the menu for the grand gathering at Christmas eve dinner, usually hosted by us. Jon will be involved at every stage of the preparation. He would comment, suggests, poke fun and we have serious discussions on what to do, and what not to do. I do miss him.

It has been difficult since Jon left but I try to move on in the best way I know how, taking one day at a time. Making tiny steps each day to a place of where peace and comfort could be found.

This year we will be Uncle Mike's, and this year, like in so many, I will be roasting the turkey with the stuffing with the cakes. Summer have been contributing much, almost stepping into the shoes of Jon, holding me, supporting me in the preparations.

Yes, I should be blessed with the love I am surrounded with. Still it has not been easy. Whatever...

Have a very merry Christmas, and you always be blessed with God's grace and mercy in this perfectly imperfect world.

I love you Jon for always being near. Merry Christmas.

Jon's Tiny Friends, The Orrs

2007-09-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

The Orrs, Sean 8 and Tim, 6. Yes, their sharing touched me more than can be imagined. Beautiful words, beautiful pictures - speak volumes for what they shared together. We are so happy to be part of your family, and you us. Thank you for being with us in the sharing of the memorial. Love you guys!

By the way, the candles were illustrated by mummy Ling.

The Night's Sharing

2007-08-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

There are a load of things I do not know about Jon. And in the sharing during the night's memorial, there were lots we uncovered, and more I am sure. These were some of the sharing.

"...his will to live outstood his fear of death by an unseen but immeasurable difference..." a personal quote by Juss, Jon's cousin

"Juss, have you thought of Jon lately?", Auntie Aggie asked me in the car one evening. I took in the question with the answer already in my mind. However, the words in reply took some time to form. Not because I was feeling nervous but because I had to go back to where it still hurts. I remember answering in a manner that seemed to leave us smiling in thoughts by saying that although I still think of Jon, I knew I didn't need to because Jon has already become part of my sub-conscious from since the time I got to know and love him. Because Jon and I were so close, he became a part of me that was there when I needed to know what to do next. I cannot explain it somehow but he was there when I had my moments and there again when I got things right, just like what he used to be. I never once tried to shut Jon out of my mind because I know I can never will. As long as I live, there will be a part of him living in me unseen by everyone else. But as he does, I get stronger with every passing moment as everything unsaid between us becomes my driving force to carry on with life."

"A story about Jon" by Vidhya

Jon,
A friendly boy whom I met,
Boy let me tell you, his contacts were hard to get.
It was from there I found out,
What he was really all about,
A football player, heart throbber,
A boy so full of zest,
Someone who fought to his very best.

He never failed to amuse me,
with his enormous ego: you see.
Let me remind you that Jon was hot.
Someone who all the girls would have like to got.
His smile, his laugh;
his quirky jokes and lame remarks,
Never failed to make me smile,
It's sad to think it's been a while.

A hopeless romantic, a sweet talker,
that boy I tell you, could walk on water.
But it was only he who made me tear,
When he explained to me about his fear.
Was it only then I realized
How much he had truly sacrificed.
Just to make me feel better
When he told me his problems really didn't matter.

A boy of courage, who taught me well,
Who made everything seem so swell,
Fighting his battle like a man,
Something not what anybody can.

I never knew he loved to write,
And how his future seemed so bright.
Jon never failed to listen to me,
A great friend, as great as he could be,
"I'm sorry I didn't see you when I could,
the amount of times I told you I would."

But one thing is for sure,
His heart was extremely pure,
Everyday is a new day.
I guess there is nothing more to say,
Except I love you Jon, I always will,
Please forgive me if I have sinned
And I hope that someday we'll meet all over again.

One Year On

2007-08-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

Blue Candle door gifts

On the 9th of August 2006, two weeks after his 16th birthday, Jon left us.
It has been exactly one year today. And as we celebrate Jon's 1st Memorial, I am reminded of Mitch Albom's words;

"Death ends a life but not a relationship"

Those words brought some comfort to me when I was seeking solace from my loss.
Today as we look back to our individual relationship with this young man who ran a good race, it only helps remind us individually that we each have our own race to run.

The event to keep Jon's memory alive was graced by our dearest and closest, Jon's dearest and closest, friends and family who walked the journey with us and stood by us unconditionally. We love you.

Shanti's sky

The special transparent canopy that Agnes ordered really had the stars in the skies gaze down upon the proceedings of the night. It was a night of intimate sharing , while we enjoyed simple catered food done very nicely by Chef Wong of Wong caterers.

Godma Ann
Summer,Mum &Pa
Jon's Angels

There were music and speeches by friends and relatives. Cousins Sean played some beautiful pieces on the piano for Jon as did Jamie.
At about 10.30 pm after mum's speech, we observed a moment's silence as we individually renewed our relationship with Jon as we marked his departure from us at that time a year ago.

Then there was the releasing of birds to signify freedom and a dove for hope.
It was 'Wonderful Tonight' playing in the air that night.
And I think Jon agreed it was indeed a wonderful night.

Thanks Ben, for your beautiful photographic compositions.

Jon's Birthday Today

2007-07-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

My good friend Menon, called me this evening and asked if I was free for a round of Friday golf.
A trait I admire about Menon was that he was extremely religious about his golfing Fridays.
Friday being a day already filled with meetings, I politely declined.
My tenacious friend, (who I thank God for not stopping to pester me) then ventured to ask;

"How about tonight?" hoping I'd be able to join the boys for a drink.
"It's my son's birthday today and we're going out for a meal with the family" I replied.
" Oh..? that's nice, taking the young fella for a treat huh.." Menon exclaims, "How old is your boy?" he asks.
" He would have been seventeen today" I said a matter of factly.
The short silence at the other end of the line told me he understood. Then he quietly wished my family and I all his best wishes, prayers and thoughts as he finally hangs up.

As tradition would have it, we each get to choose our favourite restaurant for dinner on our birthdays and we would spend this special evening only with each other ordering whatever catches our fancy and thoroughly enjoying ourselves.

Jon, some years ago, picked Victoria Station as one of his choices and we felt it would be appropriate to go back there for him. And we did, the place was nice and cosy and adequately private as we went about our very private but very meaningful meal on Jon's birthday.
We shared memories of Jon and we kept it celebratory. We imagined how tall he'd be, how he would boss Zane around and how he will dote on his little sister. Jon's putty around Summer.
We realised that we never stopped sharing memories of Jon, it was a daily affair, we spoke of Jon often and frequently and with joy. As if he never left. And there's some truth to that and I mentioned it at our opening prayer, Jon will always remain in each of our hearts, with its very own special memories. And nothing can change that. Not even death.
What a great seventeen birthday it would have been.
There was no need for tears tonight. It was a celebration. It's all right.
Happy Birthday Jonathan. Thanks for having us.

Commemorative Events

2007-07-13T19:08:00.000-07:00

It's been said that whatever is done for the dead is done for the living. I hold true to this because no matter what we do is not going to make any difference for the person who is already on a new journey of liberation, freedom and creation.

So Jon's birthday and 1st Year Cross Over Anniversary, is coming up. 14 days apart from each other. Thursdays. He is a Thursday child..has far to go...

Could we do them weekends? Why? So everyone could stay longer without having to think about school or work the next day. Sounds reasonable, practical, make sense, etc. etc. etc.

Of the two, I would consider doing the birthday over a weekend, not the other. 9th was his chosen date and it would be more meaningful commemorating that date and hour, no matter what day. Any other day would be meaningless. But his birthday is also one which he had from day on. So..

Thursday, they will be.

The next question is, who shall we invite?

Birthday will be a family affair.

On 9th August, the 'Jon's friends' list was priority to me. So I got on the phone with some anxiousness, some hesitation - would they come? Would they remember Jon?

I was encouraged with the initial responses. And to get his friends was to get a guy to round up that side and a girl, the other. K.A. and Khalida were enrolled. They agreed. I was touched.

They asked "What is the number, Auntie? Jon has many friends."

I suggested some form of management control..
"Those that Jon hangs out alot with?"
"How about those that know him well, and that has made a difference to Jon, and he to them?"
"His best friends?"

Each time, they were hesitant because I suspect the suggestions does not really help but they very politely said 'OK?' as I ran out of ideas. I believe they did too. As I put down the phone with the promise that I would confirm this with Peter, I realise that it is almost impossible to say a number. It was simply because Jon had many friends. Now when you go through the eulogy book, signed by the busload of students, the ones who ponteng school to be at the wake and those came on their own, you'd find that Jon had many 'best' friends.

Without flinching, hesitating, Peter said, 'No limit'.

Sighs of relief were how both of them responded. K.A. even suggested 'should we make an announcement in school?'

I reminded them that it would be Thursday, some symbolic ritual will happen at 10.30pm, closing at 10.45pm.

•moment of silence.
•offer of thanksgiving prayer
•releasing of 17 birds
•lighting of candles

Next Friday to get back on the numbers.

More to follow...

11 Months On.. 9th July.

2007-07-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

"Mum, you will find peace when you have truly forgiven yourself".

These words came as I was thinking of MUMs, going thru' in my head what I wrote would be it's foundation. I remember I wrote as one of the foundation's belief :

"Having the faith that with time, we will eventually come to a place of peace within".

You have so much wisom, son.

This was when I recalled the latter that Jon 'sent' to me and his papa. This is how we chanced upon it..

I alight the steep stairs of our pre-war office, to Peter's room. Cautiously. It's been a while since I climbed it and I always feel apprehensive. But today I know he'll be alone and we need to discuss some administrative issues.

I saw that he was busy looking at something on his PowerBook. As I sat down and before I could utter the first word, he said, "This took me half an hour to download and it's such perfect timing". He moved the PowerBook to let me see what he was reading. It went like this..

"Dear mom,
I know you're going to miss me, but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you.
Just 'cause I'm not around to say "I love you". I will always love you, mom, even more with each day.
Someday we will see each other again.."

Yes, it was a spam mail, part of it anyway. The story goes that it was written by a 7 or 10 year old boy to his mom, single mom. Like me, she was away when he 'left', and God loaned him a special pen and paper to write the letter to his mom, to say his last words.

I believe messages reach you at points in your life when you need them most. And sometimes you find them and they find you. Like books. And everything happens for a reason.

As we read, our tears just flowed freely. The letter was for him as well as it was for me.

And we know we were not alone in the room. Because I felt I was in a place of love, warmth, sharing yet private.

We love you, Jon. We will never ever forget you as well.

Blue Candles, yet again

2007-07-10T22:07:00.000-07:00

The Colour, Blue.
Healing.
Water.
Clarity.
6th Chakar (energy point).
3rd Eye.
Intuition.
Knowing.
Sixth Sense.

One of Jon's favourite colours, if not, his favourite.

Candles.
Flame.
Orange.
2nd Chakra.
Emotions.
Compassion.
Love.
Soul.
I am.
Om.

Interesting..

Blue Candles

2007-07-02T23:36:00.000-07:00

"Talk to your child who died, if it helps you. Share with your child your progress and show that you can handle the windstorms of life, because the death of a child often is the teacher of unconditional love, and unconditional love has no claims, no expectations, needs not even a physical presence." Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross extracted from 'Letter to Bereaved Parents' from her book "On Children and Death".

I talk to Jon all the time. In the beginning of our coversations, I find myself in doubt. I would then ask him to show me signs that what I heard was from him, not from my imagination. He never failed me. Not once.

I truly believe that I do have an on-going conversation with him. And how well the quote above rings true for me. In having this on-going dialogues, they (Jon) helped me to understand a lot of stuff during and after his cross-over. Most of all I find myself healing day by day. Like they say, "Time does heal. But it does not hold true for me. Time, in its most merciful way has smoothen the edges ever so slightly only".

Indeed I am still grieving, and it is so difficult to ride the storm. When grieve comes gripping my heart, I simply be in the rain - cry, weep. I almost choke on my tears. And its healing.

Whatever or however I am doing, I take heart in knowing that Jon is not far, always near, watching, caring for me.

Jon's 17th birthday is on Thursday, July 26. So, a week ago, I asked.

"Jon your birthday is coming. What would you like?".

"Candles, mum. Blue candles."

So you will my son.

The Next Chapter

2007-06-21T19:45:00.001-07:00

Dear Jon,
How time flies and it is now almost 11 months since you crossed over (Summer and I prefer the descriptor 'crossed over' like you are just next door and we just have to 'tap' in to get to where you are). I guess my grief has largely got to do with the physical aspects - the tending, the caring, feeding, seeing and touching. Since then each day starts and ends with thoughts of you. And the constant thinking and asking if there is a purpose for my when I walked this journey with you.

I have since met and kept in touch with two wonderful mums who are similarly going through the same pain. Auntie Ai Mee and Aunty Noridah. Our friendship seemed so natural. Nothing forced. We just let things flow amongst us, and this kind of relationship can never be duplicated with any other mums except those who are going through the same pain. I found a lot of comfort in their company as together we created a space for open sharing, crying and laughing without fear of being judged. We do not say 'let go', 'move on', 'don't cry, be strong', 'you have no choice but to go on' ...simple, friendly advices yet could leave us infuriated.

I may have found the purpose, Jon. In our regular 'conversations'*, I have been sharing about starting a support group for mums like me. Mums in bereavement. Offering comfort and an open space for sharing without fear or favour, without judgement. All the first moves with Ai Mee and Noridah were initiated by me because I know there are mums out there like me, and just wanted to be with them. I found our sharing, healing. Knowing that I am not alone. And the 'moving along' seem so much more meaningful. Perhaps there is a need for such a support group. I do not know where and how I am going to do this. I may not have more than 2 mums but at least I know I am contributing something to however many I have. And most of all these mums have contributed so much to me, right now.

Without much thoughts, I simply named it 'MUMs' standing for 'mums-uniting-mums', with the descriptor, 'a support group for mums in bereavement' (should find an alternative word for 'bereavement' is there's one).

You have also said that I should do this for myself, not for you. Yes, Jon, I am and will be doing this for me. It will also be 'launched' on your first year 'crossing over' anniversary, ie 9th August. Logos, namecards with the blog 'www.mums-uniting-mums.blogspot.com' are being developed. I am feeling so excited already.

And yes, another project in the making - a book. It'll be called 'the book of jon' and yes, don't worry, it'll be about me, my journey with you.

I want to post my intentions here as this blog is dedicated to you and by doing so, I know now I will commit to walk the talk.

I love you son. Thank for for the gift, as I am sure this is surely the first of many more gifts to be uncovered and discovered as the journey with you goes on.

Love you always,
Mum
*since the time Jon crossed over, we have been conversing. Everyday. I find this to be empowering and healing. I know I will continue to 'talk' to Jon for the rest of my life.

Today

2007-02-26T18:30:00.000-08:00

Hey Son, just want to let you know(but you know already) that we especially love you today and we especially miss you today. It's not any special day or a day of any significance but we just feel very much about you today. We're celebrating our relationship with you son. Happy Tuesday and remembering the beach bum that you are.

I don't want to miss a thing

2007-02-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

To Zane & Summer,
I just want to tell you that I don't want to miss anything in your lives. So, for all the times I wasn't there, I was watching.
For all the times I wasn't watching, I was feeling. Love you guys. This song is for you.

To Jon,
Those words were inspired by you son. I know you see me even if I cannot see you. And I know you feel my every heart beat coz you are always next to me. This is my song to you in memory of you, as you were growing up. And, our last 1-year journey as I cared for you. I know that as much as it is for you, it is also for me, from you...Thank you son for being with me. For always.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing

Happy Valentine's, my children.
mum

6 Months on

2007-02-09T23:50:00.000-08:00

Give me a whisper
And give me a sigh
Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you
And the times we had...baby

Don't Cry- Guns & Roses

Six month's have passed. What is the concept of time when yours is the moment?
Miss you we do but there is so much to cherish of you every single day, and we do. You are seldom far from our thoughts son.
Six month's on. You keep us going like the rising sun each day and me on even keel.

And we just got the Guns & Roses CD back from the Liews tonight. It was one of Jon's favourite CD and in fact now I know why he performed their cover version of 'Knocking on Heaven's Door' at his school campfire.

100 Days onwards

2006-11-17T18:59:00.000-08:00

Hey Son, it's been a hundred days and the feelings for you haven't diminished an iota. In fact our love grows stronger. As Mitch Albom puts it in his book "Tuesdays with Morrie" which I read in 2 days while I was in Sydney; "Death ends a life but not a relationship". How true it means to anyone to have lost someone you love. That was as comforting to me now as it was at that moment when I read those words.
And what a relationship we have my Son. No wonder over these past few days you have oftentimes invaded my thoughts with memories of our relationship. And what wonderful memories, those images you gave me, they evoke. The picture of you resting over mummy's shoulder one outing in Port Dickson when you were little comes to mind. A picture of joyful melancholy it would seem now but you were our universe then at only months old. What joy we had to have you on a day at the beach just you mum and me.
Then of course there's the picture of you and Zane and Summer, huddling in the foreground of the Golden Gate Bridge picture sitting on my work table. I wondered how a 'geeky' looking you then could turn out to be so dashing, elegant and cool. But not for long because if anyone who knew you enough to just think about you, they would know that it was so natural to understand how you turned out the way you did.
I love you my son, for a hundred more days, weeks,months,years,decades. ..."ends a life, not a relationship". Au Revoir.

KA

2006-09-14T23:09:00.001-07:00

31 July 2006

Hi Jon!
KA here…
Sorry coz my handwriting is not as nice as urs but I’ll try to make it nice for your mum to read.
I really miss u. it’s been weird and different since u weren’t around. I still remember when we were together in scouts and school. Your spirit for 1st KL is really high. I miss your voice I mean I hear you talk everyday. So till now I still remember how u sound like. Can’t wait to play footie with you again. I know ur better than me but do you still remember I nutmed-ed you three times the other day. Hahaha.

K la Jon. I’ve run out at ideas what to write for u edi. Anyhow keep your spirits high. Stay strong and get well soon Jon.
C ya.
KA

Lam

2006-09-14T23:09:00.000-07:00

2 August 2006

Hi Jon,
Lam here…
It’s been a long time since I actually talk to you… right now I only can use words to tell how fun it is to hang out with you. Very soon, I am sure we will be able to go watch a movie or something. Since form 1, you’ve been always teaching me how to live in such a place called ‘V.I.’. seniour are always the bullies to us and you always teach me how to twist and turn in certain conditions. All the things we’ve done together such as ‘fly’ hehe… the best technique to learn from you… I think that’s all I have to say for now… I want to you in school soon wei….

Lam Pang Wooi

Matthew

2006-09-14T23:08:00.001-07:00

2 August 2006

Dear Jon, (aka longjohn {in scouts})
This is Matthew here. I have to say you’re certainly probably the most positive thinking guy I’ve met. I remember the times when I was faultering with sprinting. I was to the extent that even I lost confidence in myself, however, there you go standing up for me without secound thoughts, without hesitation. I thank you for the trust you have in me at those moments.

I somehow have mixed feelings at the moment. I sure am sad but thinking back, I am glad with the fact I met you. I would certainly be happy if you would stand up once again and remain a part of us. Therefore, it would be good if you keep ur ultra positive attitude and continue your venture to succeed against hard times.

I certainly wish I could do something to reduce your sufferings and I am sure many others would do the same as well. So, take it easy as time passes. Stand up when you’re ready. For when ever it may be, we’ll be there to see.

Matthew

p/s your mum’s great. Be proud of that!

Mun Kin

2006-09-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

31 July 2006

Hey Mun Kin here,
I might not be in scouts when you joined but you are the one who made a lasting impression in me. If I am not mistaken, I met you when you were in Form 2 and you were always giving your opinions and to my ‘dismay’ your opinions make sense. You brought something different to my life. Something special, something nice.

You were so desperate to get PL during PL’s night and was willing to do everything. That’s the determination and spirit that I learnt from you. Well I was shocked when I heard about what happened to you as you are a really nice guy and don’t deserve this. I sincerely hope that this is just a minor setback as your life is destined for greater things. I hope you will believe in yourself and one day stand up to face th world again.
Get well soon.

Mubin

2006-09-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

31 July 2006

alrite..Jon… everybody’s written like these damn long essays bt min’s gonna be a short one…what the hell am I talking bout??? Neway I don’t really have a long msg since I c u quite often. So there’s not much to say. So I’m just gonna say this…

Faint not. Fight on!!
Mubin

Danial

2006-09-14T11:05:00.000-07:00

31 July 2006

Hey Jon!
Dan here…
So what should I say. Of course most importantly, I hope you recover, I know u can la, ur gile, strong, anyway miss playing against u on da field. I’m sure u remember la, u were my target, I was ur target, something like dat la. Miss u in school wei, everybody asks about u and u remember scouts. U were like paling semangat out of all of us. Ur damn popular wei. The x’s still remember you, they all hope u get better. Ist KL misses u wei, remember campfire preps? Those were the best. I can’t wait till u get better wei. We’ll finally be in the same class…after 4 years man!!! Just remember that me, KA, Mubin, Zao, Vicram will never forget u n ur love for 1st KL..

I’ve known u for too long, we went to school everyday together…
I just want u to get well, it would mean the world to me wei. Anyway I think I should stop here. C ya!
Danial

Amirul

2006-09-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Hey Jon!
It’s Amirul here. It’s been quite a long time since we last met and talked. Still remember the times where we played football? Man, you were one tough player! Eventho it has been a few years since we layed played, I still remember every moment of it.

Tough times now…with your condition and all, but have faith!

We all may seem quiet and all, but everyday at school, you are always mentioned. If only schoolwork was not as much, we could always visit you.

Whatever it is, rest assured that I will always be there for you, and pray for your well being everyday.

Best wishes,
Your pal: Amirul London

Bernie & Jimmy

2006-09-14T01:45:00.000-07:00

Dearest Jon,

It’s really sad to be separated but I believe God has His divine plan for you… and if He ever plans… He makes sure it’s the plan that will not hurt you or us…

Jesus said, ‘Trust in God and also trust in Me. In my Father’s house there are many rooms. I will go prepare one.’

Jonathan, God is drawing you closer and I deeply believe that you are soaring like the eagle with our Lord Jesus Christ.

We love you and you will always be in our hearts, deeply printed…

The one who taught me to face and to fight to the final line. You have won the race because I know… you fought hard. Hard enough for me to see how you keep bouncing back to life. And when everytime this happens, you light up our darkness.

Walk Jon, follow the light and yes, indeed, you are completely healed… no more pain, no more tubes, no more coughing, no more crying but peace, eternal peace with the fellowship of Jesus Christ, goong-goong and ah kong!

Jimmy and I love you, very very much!

With hearts & souls,
Uncle Jimmy & Auntie bernie
10th August 2006

Teach on 10 Aug

2006-09-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

10th August 2006

Wrote this on the night/morning of your passing to be with the Lord, Jon.
Dearest Jon,

As a teacher, my prayers for any child would be this, ‘Give me your hand that I may walk in the light of your faith in me.’

Like many others before him and after him, Jon did just that when he came to the V.I. He is an infectious student who fast became my friend. He always had a ready ear…he was/is a comforting old soul in a young body. I’d be having the most rough days at school when he would come up with the most profound things to say to me when least expected.

I was his ‘oriental princess’ – he is such a smooth talker – he knew how to win any woman’s heart…and I always felt he says what he says sincerely and not for want of more marks on his paper!

How our lives shone as our friendship and student-teacher relationship grew. His sprightly ways have a special appeal; his gait, his look of continual askance in class, his prompt willingness to assist when needed (was always volunteering to buy me drinks when I was out of breath), his gentlemanly comforting ways, his fight to the end for all he believes in…treasured and invaluable. I would not – WE AT THE V.I. would not have him any other way.

Jon is a warm personal friend to all who know him. From the many notes and messages his friends, acquaintances have penned…I learn more and more about him…, of him…as their valiant supporter in good and bad times.

In these past few months, I have seen Jon as a devout son, lovable brighter, nephew, cousin, grandson, godson, friend, budding musician, poet, lyricist, romantic and most of all – a God loving soul who is a fighting first senior scout, scholar, sportsman and gentle…oh so gentle man.

Teach...on 9 Aug

2006-09-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

9th August 2006

Teacher Shanti, one of Jon's favourite persons, had become one of the regulars in our home, she wrote this piece on the day hours before Jon left us

Hi there Jon,

Teach here…the one who’s still looking for Mr. Right. Something just come to my mind and I thought I’d pen it down before I lose the thought or the moment of inspiration.

As pals become closer,
And time slips away…
We seldom express,
What our hearts would say-

But Jonathan Gan-
Oh Gift of God…somehow
I’m hoping and I’m praying-
That you know what my heart
Continually says;

That you’re much loved,
That you’re much treasured,
That there’s a reason for your presence on Earth,
That I want you back in school-
In my class so that we can rejoice with laughter,
So that I can read your thoughts on paper
(I miss correcting and editing your essays).

So that I can tell you just how…
How wonderful your mum and dad are as care-givers as parents-

You are indeed the Gift of God, Jon.
Love you loads.

Teach Shanti

The Good Doctor

2006-09-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Jon,

I am sorry I never knew you when you were well but I think I know something of you from the love I see you generated in all those around you. Thank you.

Dr. Sylvia McCarthy
Hospice Malaysia

Dr. Sylvia is as gentle as a whisper in the night. She was with Jon and us so often and so willingly that we were never at a loss for medical advice or assistance. Thank you for making this journey with us ever so gentle Dr. Sylvia.

Sarah in June

2006-09-02T00:51:00.000-07:00

I pray
That this is just a start
That this is just a part
of your recovery process
that will flower and progress

I want
You to get well
And you will,I can tell
I want you to fight
The demons of your night

I find
Your courage rare.
I find you dare to dare
I find you so, so strong
So, don't you dare prove me wrong.

I hear
The strains of your guitar
I hear them from afar
I can't wait for you to play.
I'm still waiting for that day

I see
You playing football
As always,you give your all
Hurry,please Jon teach me
How to score a goal for free

I wish
I knew you longer
But also, you're no stranger
So stay with me and those around you
They need you here...they just need you.

I believe
In you, I do
Only Jon, only you

Sarah Tiong,
11.20.02am 10 June 2006

Sarah in April

2006-09-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

Jonathan Gan Ye Zhan

I don't know if you know
What you already should.
See, God gave you a blow
And you dealt it what you could.

Not far from where I stand
I can't comprehend
The guts you have in you
Cos I wish I had them too

I don't say this everyday
Ok, maybe in a different way...
Jon, you're the hottest guy I ever met
That's a compliment, don't you forget

You're ten times the guy you see when you wake
Cos...boy, you went through hell and you didn't break
You made me shiver and made me chatter
You also nearly made me shatter.

Like a knight riding into battle
Without the armour made of metal
Your heart was all you needed
and in the end look you've succeeded.
I never had a doubt you would
cos once again, you gave it all that you could

words can't tell you how proud I am
of you handling it like a man
I'm beyond relief
would you believe...
that everything's clear
And we've got naught to fear

Love you lots Jon, from a friend to another
My strong,brave, mighty big brother

Sarah Tiong, 12.20.18am 21 April 2006
Sarah was a constant source of hope and companionship for Jon as well as the family throughout our journey. Her brand of optimism and zest for life was always welcome in our home together with her mum Pearly.

Saturday

2006-09-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

Dearest Jon,

I have been listening to Josh Rouse's 'Saturday'. Somehow this song moved me so much. As though you were trying to tell me something through this song..... " saturday I'm on the plane I'm flying home to you..."
Truly enough, won't be seeing you after Saturday....you are home in heaven watching over us...
Even though tears will still flow, hearts still break when we come to realize you're gone...
But you, you will be in each and everyone's heart. You're in mine always!
Hey, did you hear me sing "Knocking on heaven's door" last night ? It was you who gave me the inspiration to play that very song. Hope you heard me while I was singing it...=)

I love you...
Love you no matter where you are...
Jon, you've won through the journey of life!
You've won it all!
Be free to spread your wings and fly!!!

Jamie ka-che'
Saturday 12 Aug'06

Au Revoir

2006-09-01T23:38:00.000-07:00

To Jonathan Byron Gan, the most beautiful person to ever grace the earth
You were always one of a kind. Ever the individual, I remember that you were never afraid to hide your sensitivity and that's a truly difficult trait for a person to freely express to others. Being the frustrating cynic that you were, you would refuse to back down from a good argument, never letting the other party win. As annoying as that seemed, I was glad that I finally had someone who could carry on an intelligent conversation with, who wouldn't shy away from the slightest ego-blowing remark.
Darling Jon, remembering our three-way conversations with Sarah never fail to put a smile on my face. All the girls would gush at how beautiful your voice was. You singing 'Fly Me To The Moon' and 'Que Sera Sera' would forever remain indelible in my memory.
I remember that we only got closer after I 'accidentally' found out about your innocent crush on a pretty little someone =). Your poems amaze me then, and would continue to amaze more people as time passes on.
I'm glad your life culminated gorgeously as it did. You had a loving family, great friends and the most beautiful soul a person could ever have. I will forever miss your presence in my life, as you were truly the only guy friend who understood.
I'm glad you left peacefully. I'll miss you but I'm glad.
Au Revoir darling Jon.
Much Love,
Khalida=)

Uncle Michael & Uncle Sonny

2006-08-22T04:23:00.000-07:00

Michael Lee sent this very apt poem for us in honour of Jon;

“Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamonds glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle Autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning, Hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds' encircled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there. I did not die.”
~ Author Unknown ~

And Uncle Sonny was the person who introduced us to The Race, now consoles us with;

The Final Race

Cry your tears of sorrow,
Then lay your tears aside;
Don't weep for me forever,
Nor in your sorrow hide.

For I am more alive today,
Than I ever was before;
I am just one heartbeat from you,
On the other side of the door.

To a new life full and free;
Because of Christ,
I've run the race,
And now have victory.

So don't stand there and weep for me,
My battle now is won;
Pick up your helmet, sword and shield,
You have a race to run.

- Allison Chambers Coxsey -

Janet's Memories

2006-08-17T08:28:00.000-07:00

Our dear and close friend Janet observed from a distance the life of Jon and calls it

16 Glorious Years

Late last night (9th August 2006), I received news that a brave young man Jonathan Gan aged 16, had passed away after battling cancerous brain tumours.

My husand and I went immediately to his home, and once we were there, I just sat in silence. Words failed me. I just could not speak. His parents are my dearest friends, Peter and Agnes, and I cannot imagine what they must be going through.

As for me, I had memories flooding my head. A series of flashbacks...

Read more;

16 Glorious Years

Arohanui

2006-08-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

For Jonathan…..
My darling nephew, at the other end of the world, 5000 miles away, in New Zealand, it is winter. Although there is no snow in Auckland, there is definitely cold and fog and rain and frost…
Some days, it is very hard to remember what it is like to be warm and to feel the sun. Some people here suffer from a kind of depression, in winter months, that the doctors call “Seasonal Affective Disorder” or “SAD”.
And today, I was feeling very sad, not because of the weather, but because you have left us...
I was crying because I do remember you, Jonathan.

I met you when I was visiting Malaysia in the year 2000. I remember your gentle smile and your quiet ways. You were asking about the way things were when your mother and the rest of us oldies were young. You enjoyed listening to the stories and were curious to know more. Your bright eyes were watching me from behind your glasses. You seemed much older than your years. And maybe you were.
Your mother tells me you wanted to visit us in New Zealand. Well, now you can come and go anytime, can’t you?
And I believe I might have seen you today…
I was out in the cold and wet garden when I noticed some new green shoots of the earlicheer and jonquils I planted years ago. Their leaves were pushing up from among the weeds and dead leaves. And then, I saw you….one single beautiful daffodil by the letterbox. One brave golden little yellow flower with the shy and nodding head.
I cried. Then, I laughed.
That first daffodil reminded me that this winter too, shall pass. It reminded me that all is not lost, that the cold and wet days will not last. And that, with the passing days, the sun will grow strong again and that spring and then summer will surely come….very soon, around the next corner.
Jon, I do not know if it was you with me today but is does not matter.
I know you are in a far better and warmer place now. Why else would you have left all those who love and cherish you so much - your mother, your father, Zane and Summer, your cousins, aunties, uncles, grandmother, all the family and friends? Yes, that place must be miles better because you are a smart kid, and you would have chosen wisely.
But, all the same, I feel sad for me. I feel sad because I would have loved to have my family meet and get to know you. They would have loved you. And you would have loved them back.
Jon, I will remember you as I watch the cold winter days grow shorter…
I will remember you as I watch the first greening of the spring flowers…
I will remember you as I see that daffodil by my letterbox turn its face to follow the sun….
And long after this winter is gone, I will remember you each and every time I talk with your mum or any one of those who knew you because they will continue to bear witness to, and celebrate your life and your living. You will live on in those who love and treasure you, those who will surely miss you. In that way, you will live on for, in and through all of us.
So, my beloved nephew, pass gently and bravely into that winter then, for we will surely see you again when the spring comes around.
And until that day we meet again, as we say it in New Zealand:

“A-ro-ha-nui” - All our love, and
“Ha-e-re ra, ha-e-re ra, ha-e-re ra!” – farewell, farewell, fare thee well!

from your uncle Jack, your cousins Jason, Sarah and Bennett, and auntie Tess.

'All Things to All People'

2006-08-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

Godma Ann's eulogy

There are many things I want to say…

But I do want to say first that I am Jon’s godmother. I am also, thank God and my lucky stars, Zane and Summer’s godmother too. I love all these three, equally and shamelessly…I have often thought how unfair this situation is. I mean, Agnes (and Peter) chose me, but Jon, Zane and Summer never had any choice in the matter. They did though have choice with Godma Hanim. So we stand here before you as ‘Godma Appointed’ and ‘Godma Democratically Elected’!

But what does Godmother mean in this day and age? Jon asked me once when he was much younger, and I told him I was responsible to help in his religious upbringing (not that I am particularly well-qualified) but that this was a traditional role. In my mind, my job is to keep any eye out on them, and be there as and when needed. ‘So you’re like a standby Mum’, said Jon, and then he added, ‘but I don't think a true Mum can be just standby’.

Like many of you, I was often surprised by how bright Jon was. In every sense of the word… I know he reads a lot, but we never really got beyond ‘so how boring was school today’ until comparatively recently. We could talk music, soccer, politics and even girls…

It is something very special and unique to have the love and trust of a 15 or 16-year old boy. I mean, a boy is in the thick of challenges at that time. Especially Jon – that is, he was my glimpse into what can make a man at that time. I remember many things about him, like the challenge of going from Kuan Cheng (where to me he was the geeky prefect dude) to VI when he had to prove himself again and in so doing strike the fire to see for himself what kind of man he was.

I miss his SMS messages, just asking what I was up to, and to call him because he was bored, or because he just wanted to hear my voice, or what I thought of a song he’d just downloaded.

Sometimes, I didn't know how to talk with him because he was such a strange and delightful creature – I mean, to me, a 16 year old boy has better things to do than talk to his Godma and see how she’s doing. But that was Jon.

Of course, what occurs to me now, having heard all this beautiful testimony, is how this boy managed to be ‘all things to all people’…he has managed to charm us, so charm us so that in this season of grief we have so much, so many memories to help us weather this time.

I want to thank the family Gan and the family Liew for this wonderful position of Godma. I recommend it – you get to breeze in and out, bearing gifts, not there for the regular rigour and tedium of each day, but you get showered with love and affection.

I am here and I thank God for Jon, and so many things I am unable to speak of right now. I am also here for his brother and sister too.

To my dear godson who was all things to all people…May you just fly, my darling. And see you later, insyallah.

Gone Too Soon?

2006-08-16T19:00:00.000-07:00

What can you say about a sixteen year old who loved the Beatles, the Boys Scouts movement, chicken rice, Elvis, Frank Sinatra, girls, Liverpool, life, U2, people and his mother,...who left us behind?
That he was Purposeful. Intuitive. A Realist. A Hopeless romantic? Or just simply gone too soon...

Continue reading,

Gone Too Soon

Mandy's tribute to Jon

2006-08-14T03:24:00.000-07:00

Like a cool summer breeze, this prolific writer, hits the right notes with her refreshing posts honouring Jon.
Mandy you came and you gave without taking....

See it here;

Celebrating Jon

Jon Transcendant

2006-08-13T01:07:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, 9th August 2006, Jon returned to the Source, and took his place amongst the Pantheon. He is not lost to us, merely beyond our vision. Look up to the stars on a clear night and you may see him there, watching over us, protecting us, loving us. For this compassionate, powerful and loving spirit has found a calling that most of us merely dream of; to be an angel, in life, in death, and evermore.

We love you Jon. It was an honour.

Jon¹s Ascension

2006-08-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

by Vincent Guo Guo
So deep and so profound his feelings for Jon that I had to force him to deliver it at the eulogy session on Friday night and now publish this for all to see.

He came
Tall so he could see the earth's expanse
Like a giant in the company of men
Slender so he would not eclipse
Those who trod the on lower ground
Mighty so he could shield the helpless
From the ravages of hatred and injustice
Unfettered that he might set free
Those bound by oppression and ignorance
And tender, for he knew the hardest of shells
Sought only to protect the softest of hearts.

He saw
Life through his own pure spectrum
Faith in the faces of the faithless
Peace where only conflict could be found
Justice, whose blindness was his vision
Warmth in the bleakest hearts of winter
Poetry in the taunts of the alienated
Joy, even when only sadness remained
Honesty in the words of tricksters
Wisdom in the acts of fools and traitors
And Love, unconditional, uncompromising.

He conquered
Fear, with his sword of shining courage
Pain, for he gave it no power
Longing, his being naked in completeness
Loneliness, because he never walked alone
Misery, for his tears were only of joy
Anger, subdued by his compassion
Hatred, for what man has time for hate?
Prejudice, for in diversity he thrived
Time, though it waits for none and nothing
And Death, for in our hearts, he is Immortal.

2006-07-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (aka 2 hours ago) was John's birthday! Happy 16th, bro! You should have seen the number of chicks who came to worship you! You're a sex symbol man! And the presents! When am I EVER gonna get such a cool ride?!?!

Here's to you John, may you have many, many more birthdays to come!